For so long I never thought about the small moments that take place in everyday life. So much has changed in the 2 months of this year so far and I feel so blessed. I have learned so much about not only life, but about myself too. I am truly finding my voice and who I really am.
I am a middle child and both my brother and sister are attention hungry people. It is just their personalities, that is why for so long I have always just been the other sister to so many people. I also am so different from them that it can be hard at times to find common ground. My sister and I always had a hate relationship, we never used to get along. We are close now, but still have our moments. My brother and I have always had that typical older brother younger sister relationship. Where he is super overprotective, and I get annoyed by it. Eventually I realize he was right though. I do love my family to death and would not trade anything in the world for them, but there are days that I wonder how I can be so different from them and still be blood related to them. If baffles me.
I think having this to think about is what fuels my optimistic outlook on life. I live for each moment, I say things that I pry should not say, or I do things that some people would regret. I am not a talker, I am a listener. Yet, at the same time, I can be very loud. I hate being center of attention alone.. I have a fear of being in a room of people yet feeling alone, I hate asking for help, and I hate having insecurities about life. Most of this comes from something that has been building for years. I used to think about suicide, but instead turned to God. Pry the smartest desicion I ever made. I made this decision to really embrace God in my life at the age of 12. I found a calm, and a sense of acceptance. I found a place I could have someone to talk to no matter what and would listen to my rantings about just wanting to be seen. I felt so invisible to my family at the time.
Everyone has that point in their life, where they feel like you just can not go on. My advice to you.. find that one thing where you can be happy no matter what is happening. We all tend to look at the bigger picture, but if we would take the time to stop and really look around we will see there is so much more to life.
I know this is getting long, and I will stop. To those in my life now. I am so grateful for you all. I love my girls to death and I am so blessed to share so much with<3
xoxo
Ashlee
