Why does things from the past haunt you at the worst moments. I just want to open up but I can't, I want to trust you but it is difficult. And now I feel like I messed everything up. I never really dealt with things completely I just put up walls, put on a mask and went on pretending everything was absolutely fine. Now you came along and all those things I ignored keep me from letting you in. I wish I could say all of this to you face but that would be letting my walls down around you and I am working on that. I just hope you will give me the time I need and be patient with me because even though I may not be as strong or confident as you thought I was. I still am extremely caring and optimistic. I pretend I don't care what people think but at the end of the day I do. I hate when people say they will do something and they don't. I hate being the center of attention because it is lonely being there. and I am afraid of being a failure. Yours Truly

Summer and emotions

It seems like summer is a time for adventures and spending too much time with those you love most. Whether those people are your family, friends, or that special someone. This summer so far I tackled the Jordin Sparks Tour, my cousin's 21st b-day and at the end of August I will finally make it to the beach.
Some of my friendships are stronger, and I feel like some are unraveling. I am confused as to what I really am to some people and where I really stand in their lives. I feel ignored, inspired, lonely, suffocated, and hurt. The way some things have been left I feel as though some people are trying to push me out of their lives, or they never wanted me there in the first place and they are choosing their own ways to show this.

So back to tour, it was sad to say goodbye to everyone, I miss them all dearly. I did not cry then and there on the spot, because I don't think it had completely hit me. I did however cry on the hour and a half drive home that night.

I am emotional, even though I try to hide them. I may wear my heart on my sleeve, but one of my biggest fear is rejection. So please just be careful when you play with my emotions, because one of these days I may just explode and go back to some old ways.

It has been a little since I have posted a blog and thought I would do so as tour winds down. Life for the past month and a half as been truly amazing and interesting. Joyce and myself have been on the Jordin Sparks Battlefield tour, selling merch for two of the opening artists. The first leg of the tour we traveled via her car all along the east coast. It was an experience in itself. Then after the North Carolina show, we headed home for a few days to only catch a plane to Nashville. Once there we joined up with Ashlyne Huff and her band to hit the road on a bus. I do have to say, being on a bus is so much better than having to drive. I was not too fond of driving 2:30am-5am some of the nights.

Being on tour has been amazing in the meeting of the people I have. All of the artists, including Jordin are so much fun, sweet, and down to earth. Brian Jordin's bodyguard has scared me a time or two.. for some reason he sneaks up beside me and just statles me. I will miss everyone once I am home next week. Working with the guys of Days Difference has truly been a trip and a half. They are talented muscians, sweet guys, and totally entertaining. They can make you laugh and have some of the most interesting conversations.

One thing I know for sure, since sleeping on a bus it will be difficult to sleep in my bed once I am home. As we travel overnight, so sleep on the bus every night. This tour has been good for me, as I have found myself a bit more and found some more independence in myself as well. This has been a fun summer and one to defiantly to remember.

Hard Times...

As summer nears, I think about how amazing and fun it will be. I think about how far I have come as a person in the last several months and how I wish I was able to come this far in finding myself sooner. Truth is there was something holding me back, although I am not ready to talk about that one thing yet, I know that I am slowly overcome it. I can finally find the strength to let my walls down and not be so guarded, I can let people see the real me.

To most people I will still come off as quiet and shy, I am honestly not like that. I just have these walls up to protect myself from getting hurt like I did. I still have a hard time letting myself trust people fully. But there are a few people I can say, I trust with my life... even though at time it may not seem like it. I am insecure about things, but if any of you endured or experienced what I did then you would feel that way too.

To those I love, I would love to sit down and just open up about my deepest darkest secret and never have to worry about you judging me, because I know you won't. I just do not feel like I am strong enough to do so just yet. Maybe one day soon.

Music in life

Since I have been traveling more lately, I spend more time in a car by myself giving me the chance to discover songs on my ipod. I have found songs that I completely forgot I had and used to be obsessed with. It got me thinking. Have you ever stopped to think about how important music is in everyone single one of our lives. It is every where, even if we all listen to different genres. There are so many artists out there to listen to and so many others just waiting to be discovered. The music industry has become so much about image that not even some of the greatest singers have a chance, because they are not pretty enough or skinny enough. Since when is talent about how you look.

We live in a time where where hollywood sets the standards. Plastic surgery, perfect tans, perfect smiles, sparkling eyes. I think that we all need to be brought back to reality sometimes and just know that who we are is what we should be proud of. We each are unique and beautiful in our own ways. That those we surround ourselves with should be there telling us the love us for who we are and not what we look like.

I live my life, the way I want. I be who I want to be. I let my dreams and beliefs fuel my life. I don't let images and life styles you know you can not have right now run your life. Be you!

Dreams can come true.

We all have that dream we want to reach. Yet, for so many it seems to be so far out of reach that we will never reach it. The only thing we forget, is that if we believe in ourselves we can accomplish anything. Today's society is so much about money that it gets taken into consideration for every decision we make. Instead of deciding on something because we can better ourselves or make ourselves happy, we settle for what we can afford. In the mean time, we push that dream further from our reach.

Having faith in yourself is the first step in reaching your dream. Believing that one day you will stand atop and be living proof anything can be conquered. Having positive support behind you is also very important. Taking on any challenge alone can be very difficult, yet we have to know how to filter out the negative influences in our lives as well.

Another down side to reaching your dream is society. Our society is so about image that we often look past a real persons talent, because they are not pretty enough, thin enough, or smart enough. Every person grows and learns at a different pace. If we embrace each others strengths and weaknesses we can accomplish something faster and more accurate.

I once lost all hope in reaching my dreams. I found hope again, and I found some great friends in the process. It is like so many people have always told me. For anything to get better, you have to hit rock bottom first. I lost hope in myself, in my dream, and in life. I was ready to just give up and coast through life as another person in the world. Then an amazing opportunity came along, and it is truly a dream come true to have the opportunities and experinces the events I do. I am blessed and thank God every day for what I have been handed. For some like myself, it almost seems to be handed to you. Others have to work their whole lives to finally reach that dream. But if you truly want to reach it, then no matter how long or steep the climb to get there is, you should never give up on what you love and care about most. As long as you are happy and fine with the circumstances, nothing else is as essential. I am not saying you should kill your self or put yourself in harms way to reach this dream. I am simply saying never give up, always have faith, and keep pushing forward.


xoxo
Ashlee

Little Moments

For so long I never thought about the small moments that take place in everyday life. So much has changed in the 2 months of this year so far and I feel so blessed. I have learned so much about not only life, but about myself too. I am truly finding my voice and who I really am.

I am a middle child and both my brother and sister are attention hungry people. It is just their personalities, that is why for so long I have always just been the other sister to so many people. I also am so different from them that it can be hard at times to find common ground. My sister and I always had a hate relationship, we never used to get along. We are close now, but still have our moments. My brother and I have always had that typical older brother younger sister relationship. Where he is super overprotective, and I get annoyed by it. Eventually I realize he was right though. I do love my family to death and would not trade anything in the world for them, but there are days that I wonder how I can be so different from them and still be blood related to them. If baffles me.

I think having this to think about is what fuels my optimistic outlook on life. I live for each moment, I say things that I pry should not say, or I do things that some people would regret. I am not a talker, I am a listener. Yet, at the same time, I can be very loud. I hate being center of attention alone.. I have a fear of being in a room of people yet feeling alone, I hate asking for help, and I hate having insecurities about life. Most of this comes from something that has been building for years. I used to think about suicide, but instead turned to God. Pry the smartest desicion I ever made. I made this decision to really embrace God in my life at the age of 12. I found a calm, and a sense of acceptance. I found a place I could have someone to talk to no matter what and would listen to my rantings about just wanting to be seen. I felt so invisible to my family at the time.

Everyone has that point in their life, where they feel like you just can not go on. My advice to you.. find that one thing where you can be happy no matter what is happening. We all tend to look at the bigger picture, but if we would take the time to stop and really look around we will see there is so much more to life.

I know this is getting long, and I will stop. To those in my life now. I am so grateful for you all. I love my girls to death and I am so blessed to share so much with<3

xoxo

Ashlee